Baby, It's Dangerous
by Frayed One
Summary: Holiday themed parody filled with some slightly naughty mirth! Late nights at The Hanged Man can often provide all the entertainment you need, especially if you're Varric and Isabela. Tonight's feature: Nathaniel and Elissa, round 23.


**Disclaimer:** Bioware owns all. I just borrow them for entertainment purposes.

**A/N:** This came about as a result of a conversation with my "sister from another mister" Snarkoleptic about hatred for a particular Christmas song, namely _Baby, It's Cold Outside_. It was originally simply for her amusement, however she has convinced me to post it for those who follow my characters about in their universe, and so... here we are.

To really get the full experience of this you should imagine Elissa and Nathaniel's lines to the tune of _Baby, It's Cold Outside_, while thinking of Isabela and Varric as providing a very Statler and Waldorf of The Muppets take on it from an outside viewpoint. Pull up some You Tube footage of them if you don't recall the idea. I promise you won't be disappointed.

Thanks for the beta and full credit for Isabela's last line to Snark!

Happy Holidays!

-Frayed One

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><p><strong><em>Baby, It's Dangerous<em>  
><strong>

**Isabela:** Varric, you better grab your swill and get over here or you're going to miss it.

**Varric:** I'd tell you to keep your pants on Rivaini, but we both know you don't wear them.

**Isabela:** Shh... it's starting!

* * *

><p><strong>Elissa:<strong> I think I'm done for today.

**Isabela:** She's doing it again, isn't she? How she keeps walking away from that prime hunk of man is beyond me.

**Nathaniel:** But baby it's dangerous

**Varric:** He's making up something about the roving gangs of Lowtown now.

**Elissa:** Just let them get them get in my way.

**Isabela:** And that would be her brandishing a dagger.

**Nathaniel:** But baby it's dangerous

**Varric:** Nice sidestep, though I guess at this point he'd need quick reflexes.

**Elissa:** That's charming, really.

**Isabela:** You don't think he's called her something like _baby_ in public again do you?

**Nathaniel:** You're going to make me beg, aren't you?

**Varric:** The glare is telling me yes.

**Elissa:** That might be nice…

**Isabela:** Ooh, I've seen that smile before… this is going to get interesting.

**Nathaniel:** I'll buy some ale, and start thinking…

**Varric:** I don't think the swill here is going to buy your way into those pants buddy boy.

**Elissa:** From this place? No, I don't think so.

**Isabela:** You called that one.

**Nathaniel:** I'll go track down Isabela.

**Varric:** This could _definitely_ get interesting.

**Elissa:** Her prices, you can't afford.

**Isabela:** Normally, she'd be right… however, if we're talking a two for one deal here, I _might_ be willing to negotiate. What? It worked with The King…

**Nathaniel:** You're probably right, nevermind.

**Varric:** And we've now found the one man immune to your charms.

**Elissa:** Now really, I'm going home.

**Isabela:** She's headed for the door again, but at least she's put the knife away now.

**Nathaniel:** Come on now, what's your hurry?

**Varric:** She's turning around. It's that thing with the eyebrow isn't it? How does he do that?

**Elissa:** Grab a bottle of wine, I'll be by the fire.

**Isabela:** No idea, but it _is_ effective. I know I'd drop my knickers.

**Nathaniel:** Just sit down, I'll be right there.

**Varric:** We both know you don't wear those, Rivaini. And correct me if I'm wrong, but is he gloating?

**Elissa:** Why do you look so exultant all of a sudden?

**Isabela:** He was… but that will wipe it right off his face.

**Nathaniel:** Maybe I simply enjoy the company.

**Varric:** I could be wrong, but I think I saw him dump something into that bottle on the way back to the table…

**Elissa:** Did you spike the wine?

**Isabela:** Good eye! Sadly, hers are too…

**Nathaniel:** Don't be ridiculous.

**Varric:** She's not buying it… retreat, retreat!

**Elissa:** You drink yours first.

**Isabela:** _That's_ my girl. Well played.

**Nathaniel:** You really don't trust me now?

**Varric:** A little early to be pulling out the guilt card, but I'll allow it.

**Elissa:** You drink, we'll see.

**Isabela:** I hope he's developed a tolerance for whatever he put in there.

**Nathaniel:** There, I drank half the glass, happy now?

**Varric:** And I'm hoping she doesn't.

**Elissa:** I want to smack you when you do this.

**Isabela:** Now _this_ has potential…

**Nathaniel:** If you rent a room, I might let you.

**Varric:** Damn it, where is my journal?

**Elissa:** Sweet talk will get you everywhere…

**Isabela:** Andraste's sacred crotch, _that_ was a genuine smile!

**Nathaniel:** We both know it's not sweet that you like.

**Varric:** Seriously, Rivaini, do you have my notes? I need paper. Now. You can't invent this stuff.

**Elissa:** I really should go.

**Isabela:** No, no… she's standing up again!

**Nathaniel:** Who's the tease now?

**Varric:** And _that's_ not a chair.

**Elissa:** You could meet me at home.

**Isabela:** Technically, no, but I wish all my furniture had the potential to be that… _giving_.

**Nathaniel:** Now where is the fun in that?

**Varric:** I can't be sure from this angle, but is his hand on her..?

**Elissa:** What's gotten into you?

**Isabela:** Has it gotten warm in here? I think even I might be wearing too much clothing.

**Nathaniel:** I'm feeling like something new.

**Varric**: Even I have to admit, that's hot, and I've _never_ swung that way.

**Elissa**: Oh I get it now…

**Isabela:** She's laughing. He's got those lips of his on her collarbone and the woman is _laughing_.

**Nathaniel:** You haven't gotten _it_ yet…

**Varric:** He just made the bloody Maiden of Death squeak! I heard it from here!

**Elissa:** You spiked the wine!

**Isabela:** You _have_ talked to Zevran, Varric. You know what he's got hidden away down there! I'm surprised half the Free Marchers aren't squeaking right now.

**Nathaniel:** You're right. I did. Now come on.

**Varric:** I can't believe it; I think she _might_ be giving in.

**Elissa:** I think that we have admirers.

**Isabela:** _Balls_! We're found out, and just when it's getting good!

**Nathaniel:** Good thing I got that room then.

**Varric:** Lucky for us the walls here are thin and neither of them are quiet.

**Elissa:** That's a waste of perfectly good coin.

**Isabela:** Well, I _knew_ she wasn't… but him, that's surprising.

**Nathaniel:** I'll take on a job and make more.

**Varric:** He's also quite the talker.

**Elissa:** You know Varric's going to write this.

**Isabela:** Varric, you paragon of virility… you've been holding out on me!

**Nathaniel:** Then we should make this worth it.

**Varric:** Gotta save something for the sequel. "Hard in Hightown II: He's Harder".

**Elissa:** You really are determined tonight.

**Isabela:** That's awful. Just… ooh, whatever he just did though was _not_.

**Nathaniel:** Never been this _determined_ before.

**Varric:** I have to get him to teach me how to turn the innocuous into the filthy with so little effort.

**Elissa:** We should really go home.

**Isabela:** Really? I'm going to go smack her now. How is she even _walking_ after having that voice in her ear for the last ten minutes?

**Nathaniel:** How about we just go upstairs.

**Varric:** Are they going to have to clean up the floor after you again?

**Elissa:** You're saying you planned ahead?

**Isabela:** Probably, yes, but – totally worth it.

**Nathaniel:** Why don't we go up and see?

**Varric:** No one is going to believe this, even if we recounted it without my normal embellishments.

**Elissa:** You've finally gone mad.

**Isabela:** Varric, this doesn't _need_ any embellishment.

**Nathaniel:** I went that way years ago.

**Varric:** Not when they… whoa, good thing it's dark in here, otherwise _that_ might send all the blood right out of your head, Rivaini.

**Elissa: **Take me upstairs.

**Isabela:** Wow! And through leathers too! I am _so_ doubling my efforts first thing tomorrow!

**Nathaniel:** I have every intention, my dear.

**Varric:** I don't think it's going to matter.

**Elissa:** What did you put in that wine?

**Isabela:** He's done it! I can't believe it. I'm glad we didn't make a wager on this; I'd owe you so much coin right now.

**Nathaniel:** Nothing to interfere here.

**Varric:** We did make a wager, and pretending isn't going to make me forget it so pay up.

**Elissa:** I'd say that is quite apparent.

**Isabela:** Even losing to you isn't going to ruin the afterglow I'll have from bearing witness to _this_ mating ritual.

**Nathaniel:** I don't think you'll be complaining.

**Varric:** Knives, spiked alcohol and inappropriate public groping… who would have thought that was what got them going in a direction that didn't involve cursing or throwing punches?

**Elissa:** Come on in, lock the door now.

**Isabela**: We don't know what's about to happen behind that door… but we can dream very detailed dreams about it. Repeatedly. I think I'm going to need some private time… in my room… on the other side of that wall.

**Nathaniel:** I thought you'd never ask.

**Varric:** Baby, it's dangerous… It would only work for him.

**Isabela:** Hope he was careful with whatever he put in that wine he downed so fast. Might _not_ work for him, otherwise...


End file.
